Mr. Potato Head is Canadian, flexible and desperate.

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Alec Bruce

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Mr. Potato Head comes to Canada

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Presumptive Republican candidate for President of the United States, Senator John McCain, announced last week that he will address a blue-chip business audience in Toronto on the subject of bi-lateral relations between North America's closet trading partners.

"I want to make it absolutely clear that NAFTA is alive and well, and when I become president of the free world, I intend to make Canada a very rich province," McCain told the Ottawa Press Gallery via cell phone. "It's the straight talk express, ladies and gentlemen, if you can follow it."

When asked what he thought Canada has to offer the United States, McCain said, "Well, there's the oil, of course. And there's the water. We need lots of that. Plus, don't count out maple syrup and bacon. But really, what Americans want "" and I can't be too delicate about this "" is your women. Give us your women, and we'll get along fine." When asked to explain what he was thinking when he used the C-word to describe his wife "" as reported in a recently published, authorized biography "" he responded, "The word, 'cuddles', is a perfectly acceptable way for a man to address his female, even if she is a vindictive, money-hogging, beeyatch."

When informed that he shares his last name with one of Canada's great industrial families "" French fry conglomerate, McCain Foods of Florenceville, New Brunswick "" the senator insisted that he is a distant relative: "That makes me a Canadian, right? I mean your citizenship laws are pretty lax, after all. Let me be perfectly clear: There is no potato I can't get my head around."

Mr. Potato Head is flexible

Presumptive Prime Minister of Canada Stephane Dion announced last week that he has a plan to save the earth, feed his dog Kyoto, and win the next general election. "It has to do with carbon taxes, but beyond this I will say nothing," the federal Liberal leader stated.

Still, many members of his caucus expressed grave concerns over the secrecy of his plans. Said one, who insisted on anonymity, "If this joker has a plan, then let's see it. I'm sitting on my ass out here in the back benches wondering what to tell my constituents except that my butt is as warm as the atmosphere! And that's saying something in this gawdawful town."

When located at his official residence, Mr. Dion invited reporters in for green tea and a viewing of Al Gore's award-winning documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. "Most of my colleagues don't understand the science of this presentation," he said. "Most of my colleagues are complete idiots. But what are you going to do? The next Prime Minister of Canada must be, above all, tolerant."

When asked for his opinion about Republican Candidate John McCain's date to address an audience in Toronto, Dion said, "It's important that every member of the potato lobby be heard on this crucial issue. The potato is a very flexible fruit. After all, like petroleum, you can make many things out of it: French fries, pancakes, pig food. Did I mention gin?"

Mr. Potato Head is desperate

Presumptive second-term Premier of New Brunswick Shawn Graham introduced new tax polices last week, claiming that "restructuring the system can play an important role in achieving self-sufficiency by enabling New Brunswickers to keep more of their hard-earned dollars to save, spend and invest as they choose."

He went on to say that "the tax system must be fair [and] create a growth-oriented business tax environment where new and existing businesses thrive and more jobs are created. Options to restructure would reduce reliance on income taxes and raise a larger proportion of revenue through a modest increase in consumption taxes. An increase of two percentage points in HST would restore the rate to where it was two years ago, and would mean an increase of three cents on a $1.50 cup of coffee."

Essential to his plan was a renewed effort to promote New Brunswick's agricultural products, especially potatoes. "I love home-fries," he said. "Everyone loves home-fires. Why, every time I alight at an Irving Big Stop, I ask the waitress to give me a bucket of those good, old Irving fries. They are as sweet as Saint John liquid natural gas, as tasty as heavy crude, as delectable as $10 billion in promised tax revenues over 20 years. Who is Mr. Potato Head? Damn, son, you're looking at him."

Alec Bruce is a Moncton-based writer. He may be reached via www.thebrucereport.com. *A humorous and frequently fictional rendering of the week's news.